This is a letter I wrote to someone who just up and disappeared months ago. My mom said I should post it. I thought about it and agreed. I hope it can help someone else who is suffering.
How are you? If the answer is “not good”, that’s okay. In one of our ******group meetings, you shared that you have struggled with depression, so for you to disappear for so long makes me think that you are hurting right now. I too have struggled with depression. I’ve battled with it since I was ten years old. It’s been so long that I don’t remember who I was before then. Please don’t think that no one knows how you feel. Sometimes I hate myself so much I can’t stand it. I even tried to kill myself in high school and have experienced a myriad of dark thoughts of that nature. I am a lot better now but my most recent breakdown was July 2013. I stayed in bed for three days and even prayed that I wouldn’t wake up when I went to sleep. Meds, psychiatrists, psychologists, I’ve been there. I’ve cursed God, hated Him, doubted Him and tried to cut Him out of my life but in spite of all that, He still has me in His hands. Prayer, talking it out, I felt like it was pointless but I take confidence in God’s word that He is working things out for my good and that He loves my broken, incompetent self. I decided that I could not let Satan rule my life and miss out on the blessings God has in store for me, even if there was always this lingering feeling of self-hate and worthlessness. I decided to trust God and He has turned the bile of my doubt into the sweet nectar of faith. I’m far from where I want to be in my relationship with God but I am reaping benefits and blessings by giving Him the reins. One of these blessings doubles as an act of faith. I feel like God has called me to go on a mission trip to South Korea. The journey to acceptance and discovering what God wanted rather than what I wanted was long, hard, and painful but I have come through it all and will be on a flight to Seoul on December 15th. For the first time in my life I am stepping out completely on faith and for the first time I am not afraid! Living my life in fear hinders me from reaching the potential that God has granted me. Though I still do fear quite a bit, I am looking forward to this new chapter…Please just let me see you before I leave. As my departure draws near, God has brought you to mind more and more! I love you, miss you and hope to see you.