Last Sabbath, I suddenly found myself in a bad mood. It came out of nowhere, I definitely did not wake up feeling so pitiful but by the time I got to church I had mentally checked out. Somehow, I managed to smile as usual mostly so no one would ask me what was wrong (if I was honest, it would just lead to more questions). One of the teachers of my Sabbath school class asked me to teach. I told him “no” and thought that was the end of it. It is not that I will never do it and I have in fact done it years ago but standing in front of a group of people and having their full attention goes against my introvert grain. It took quite a bit of time before I even felt comfortable enough to raise my hand to speak in the class I am in now. Even now, if conditions are not right, I may not be able to contribute.
After sitting through the rest of service in zombie mode (I don’t even remember what happened), my teacher started gesticulating in a way that was meant to get my attention. He did that “come here” motion with his hand and I shook my head “no” because my spidey sense was telling me that he was going to ask me to teach again. Sure enough, after using body language to shout my reluctance and slowly making my way toward him (fighting The Force the whole time), he went into his spiel and I shut down.
“So and so can help you, she said if you do Saturday and Sunday (we go over the daily lessons), she will do the rest”.
“So and so, you said you would…”
I do not know what was said because as soon as he turned to speak to the other party I did a 180 turn and walked away without even looking back. The rest of the day I was just as morose and just could not snap myself out of it. Eventually, after sleeping it off I felt better. Along with feeling better came the guilt.
“God, I was so rude.”
“I feel bad.”
“I hate that side of myself.”
“The human side?”
This Sabbath was communion. I have learned and agree that before taking communion, I should reconcile with those I have had negative interactions with (my understanding of it) so I am in the right frame of mind and not trying to reaffirm and renew my relationship with God while holding on to old drama. Frankly, I have never had to evoke such measures (I’m pretty tame) but I instantly thought of this incident Sabbath morning. After Sabbath school, this time I approached my teacher and I apologized for being a rude little brat, and you know what, he said that he had not even thought anything of it. I was worried for nothing. He even said I was a nice girl…then proceeded to ask me again if I would teach and I put my fingers in my ears and ran away saying, “lalalala, I can’t hear you”. Just kidding! It was more like this,
“You didn’t have to apologize for that.”
“Yes, I did. I had to.”
“You’re a nice girl.”
“I gotta make my mom look good”
“Well, somebody has to”
We had a hearty laugh at that one and went our separate ways to do foot washing.
You know, apologizing and being forgiven gave me such a sense of relief and it really set the tone for the rest of my Sabbath. Yesterday was truly a great day. I feel more connected to God for having done what he expected of me and more connected to my church family for having participated in communion!